I cannot fix all the things
that went wrong, I am but one blogger. But, as Edward Everett Hale once said, I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything,
but I can do something. So brace yourselves dear readers, because some
2017 grievances are about to be aired! Sure, these things may be completely
trivial, but they are crimes against millennials and popular culture
none the less, and I will stay silent no longer! May I present to you now my
top three things that should have caused an uproar in 2017 but didn’t for some
inexplicable reason.
1)
The song ‘Slow
Hands’ by Niall Horan
I have the musical taste of a
14 year old girl, and as such I was devastated when One Direction broke up.
However, my joy was restored as I watched their respective solo careers take
off. ‘Pillowtalk’ by ZAYN, fantastic. ‘Kiwi’ by Harry Styles, one of the greatest
songs to turn up loud and scream/sing in your car. ‘Strip That Down’ by Liam
Payne, gladly.
And then we have ‘Slow Hands’
by Niall Horan. Great song, so much potential, until you reach the chorus…
Slow
hands, like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry…
….excuse me?
I mean, I get that it’s
supposed to be a sexy simile, but it is neither of those things. How are slow
hands like dirty laundry? Who finds sweaty dirty laundry sexy!?! AND WHY DIDN’T
MIKE HOSKING DEMAND SOME ANSWERS!?!
Anyway, it’s a completely
horrible song and offensive to One Direction fans and song writers everywhere.
It’s not even that hard to fix
it.
Slow
hands, yeah you know you got me feeling raunchy
Slow hands, yeah I like you even though you’re Aussie
Slow
hands, candlelight and frangipanis
Those literally took me less
than 30 seconds to come up with. I’ll have my Teen Choice Award now thank you.
2)
Wonder Woman
Full disclosure, I have not
seen this movie. I have however seen Justice League. There is this scene in
Justice League where all the super heroes jump down a little step out of one of
Batman’s planes and Wonder Woman’s skirt is so short you literally see most of
her ass. It’s a great ass, don’t get me wrong, but it made me zone out of the
movie and think to myself how does she
get a body like that? Like actually what does it take because I just ran a half
marathon and I still look nothing like that and I wonder what she eats and if
she’s ever allowed chocolate…
And then I thought hang on!
Isn’t Wonder Woman supposed to be a feminist icon!? Aren’t I meant to be
feeling really empowered right now!?!?!
I for one did not find Wonder
Woman’s character empowering in any way, and I actually feel like Wonder Woman
probably has a really low self-esteem and possibly some daddy issues.
How do I come to this
conclusion, I hear you ask. It’s very simple. No confident, self-assured female
super hero choses to fight crime in a strapless corset and a mini skirt. I’m
sorry but she just doesn’t.
If I got to dress Wonder Woman,
her crime fighting outfit would be yoga pants, a mum bun, and a men’s medium
Red Hot Chilli Peppers T-shirt she stole from her ex-boyfriend. Not sexy, but functional
and honest and empowering as hell.
3)
The rise and rise of sex robots
The NZ Herald Facebook
page has posted several high quality pieces of journalism (sarcasm) about sex
robots over the course of this year. At first they were funny, then they were
sad, then they became downright frightening. The latest article featured James,
an architect who purchased a sex robot to keep him company when his wife began
caring for her sick mother. Doesn’t James sound great? What a stand-up guy.
James said his
favourite things about his doll were getting to choose her outfits and getting
to put her in whatever sex position he wants.
"It's amazingly like having sex with a real woman," he
says.
Um, no it’s not James! You see, with
real woman there’s things like informed consent and communication and
reciprocity… ringing any bells James?!
I feel like James has probably never
been great at any of those things.
Anyway, I have a solution to all of
the above problems. And it comes in the form of a summer blockbuster action
movie.
Here is the plot summary.
The year is 2040, and sex robots have
taken over the western world. The majority of men are in relationships with sex
robots, and the woman have been cast aside, living in slums. Superman ditches
Lois Lane for a sex doll named Sapphire and that is the absolute last straw,
Wonder Woman decides she must take action! She teams up with a computer nerd
(but, like a hot nerd, probably played by Elijah Wood with his sparkly eyes,
and they totally get together and make out in the end) and he figures out a way
to override all the sex robots and use them for good. In the process of reprograming
the sex robots all of the men who own them become impotent (I don’t quite know
how this happens but I’m sure the Hollywood writing team can make it work, I
like to think it’s painful and involves lasers). The army of sex robots, led by
Wonder Woman and Elijah Wood, take out ISIS and Boko Haram and Harvey Weinstein
and Kim Jong-un and achieve world peace and end poverty. All the real woman are
saved and get together with the men who managed to stay classy and not own sex
robots and because all the creepy men are impotent now a new generation is born
who realise that we could actually use technology for good and make some really
cool things instead of misogynistic dehumanising sex robots.
And Wonder Woman achieves all this
while wearing yoga pants and a mum bun and an oversized mens medium T-shirt.
And Niall Horan sings the theme song.
But someone decent writes it. Probably Ed Sheeran.
And thus the year 2017 is redeemed.
Kind of.
You’re welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment