“MILF?” What is MILF porn?” I
asked my friendship family. “Is there a close up of the C-section scar? Does
she have to stop half way through to express? What makes it MILF porn?”
Apparently, ‘MILF porn’ is
less about the fact the female is a mother and more to do with the whole older
woman/younger man thing and the female having a certain ‘look’.
I did some research (G rated in
case anyone’s wondering) on the most successful and celebrated MILF porn stars,
and none of them looked like any mother I have ever seen in my life. Not
entirely surprising though, as out of the ten I researched only one was an
actual mum, and several were directly quoted as saying they never want
children.
Basically my research
concluded what everyone already knows, porn is totally not real. If we were
going to give ‘MILF porn’ a more honest title it would be “porn for men who enjoy
watching surgically enhanced women in their late 40s pretending to be mums”, but
that’s nowhere near as catchy.
Anyway, I think the young
aspiring dads of my generation deserve to know what they are in for when their
partner becomes a mother, so I made a list of all the ways I’m way more sexy
since creating life.
1)
New and exciting body changes
Growing
a human inside you and then having to somehow get it out and be its sole food
source for several months basically destroys your body. Needing an emergency
C-section meant that the whole child birth thing, both figuratively and
literally, scarred me for life. It doesn’t matter how many squats I do or how
many litres of bio oil I pour on it, my scar will always remain. I really don’t
mind it, it’s so low down that unless I make some very poor life choices in the
future only my husband and health professionals will ever see it, but I know it
must be really sexy for The Accountant. Every time he sees it it’s like “hey
remember that time your wife got cut open and you thought your child might
die!?” So hot.
Also,
your boobs are just not the same. I thought I would be the immune to this phenomenon
given the fact that there are literally twelve year olds who have bigger boobs
than me, but this was not the case. I mean, they’re not hanging out down by my
ankles or anything, but their best years are definitely behind them.
And,
as if these two things weren’t enough, when Conrad was a few months old I
randomly started getting thrush. I had never experienced this before, so the
first time I got it I made an appointment with Family Planning and started
looking into divorce lawyers because I assumed The Accountant had given me some
horrible STI. He hadn’t, it was just thrush, but it was still pretty horrible
and I got it like three times. When I went back to my lovely GP for the third
time I was like “why does this keep happening to me please make it stop!!” And
she said sometimes woman find they are more prone to it after having babies and
no one really knows why, it’s just a thing. Then she suggested I try wearing
100% cotton underwear coz it breaths better. I used to have really nice
underwear, like from the Heidi Klum Intimates range, with lace and satin and
cute little ribbons. Now I have been reduced to the Rio bulk packs you get from
the Warehouse. Very comfortable but probably not commonly featured in MILF
porn.
2) Always
Tired
Before children, I hardly ever
played the “too tired” card. It could really only be used in extreme
circumstances like if I’d just come off night shifts. However, the reality of
looking after little people is that you are just in this constant state of
tired. Spending an entire day with a toddler is completely exhausting because
it’s hours of convincing them to eat something other than grapes and preventing
them from seriously injuring themselves and having conversations like this…
“Dacoombrah!”
“What’s that Conrad?”
*frantically pointing at
nothing” “Dacoombrah! Dacoombrah!”
“I really don’t know what you’re…”
“Dacoombrah mum! Dacoombrah dacoombrah
DACOOMBRAH!!!”
“Dacoombrah isn’t a word
Conrad!”
This can last anywhere from 20
minutes to 5 hours.
These days I require at least
24 hours’ notice prior to any intimate contact just so I have time to mentally
prepare and psyche myself up for it. I know spontaneity is probably way sexier,
but quite frankly Conrad spontaneously deciding to throw all his dinner on the
floor, or empty a box of tampons in to the toilet, provides me with all the
spontaneity I could ever need. If anything it’s a completely overwhelming sort
of soul destroying amount of spontaneity….
3)
Decreased self-care
Pre children, I used to have a
haircut every twelve weeks like clockwork. I had the confidence to book these
appointments in advance because I was an adult with no dependents who might
decide to stay awake all night teething or feel the need for a 1am road trip to
ED.
These days, I can’t even
remember the last time I had a haircut. My hair is constantly in a messy bun,
and it is not uncommon for me to go several days without brushing it. I have
had more than one dreadlock.
This is what The Accountant
gets to come home to every night. On top of this, I am more often than not
covered in food or mud or snot or some other mysterious substance curtesy of
the child, and I sometimes forget to put deodorant on.
And yet he still comes home
every night, and not to fire up the laptop to look at MILF porn, but to talk to
me and spend time with me and love me, despite the mysterious substances and
the scar and the occasional dreadlock and the antifungal cream I had to put up
my vagina. Because The Accountant is a kind and sensible man, who knows that this
is just our life right now. That I am not always going to be the super sexy
perfect spouse and he isn’t either, because we’re very busy and very tired, but
that’s ok, because we still have a really great life.
Here is what I think ‘MILF
porn’ does. It sets yet another impossible target for mums to try and aspire to.
We already have to have children that aren’t fussed over but are also never
left to cry for more than eight seconds and we have to make all our own organic
sugar free baby food and not let them near any screens until their 27 months
old and even then only for four minutes a day. And now on top of all that here
is the NZ Herald being all MILF IS THE MOST SEARCHED PHRASE ON PORNHUB BECAUSE
THAT’S WHAT MEN WANT AND WHAT THEY WILL SOON COME TO EXPECT BECAUSE CONTINUED
VIEWING WILL ALTER THEIR PERCEPTION OF REALITY.
Well PornHub, and the morally
deprived horse it rode in on, can bugger off.
Because yes, if you look
solely at the physical changes motherhood causes, it’s not that sexy, and most
of us are never going to look like MILF porn actresses.
But, finding a women who is
willing to go through all that stuff, plus consistently put her desire for a haircut
and a pedicure second to the needs of your child… that, in my opinion, is
pretty damn hot. And, if you’re a guy reading this who has found one such
woman, I hope you know how lucky you are.
Love it!
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