The horror of becoming a parent

John Krasinski has described his new horror movie The Quite Place as a metaphor for parenting. Pre kid me would have been disgusted. I can hear myself now…

Starting a family is the most wonderful time of your life! He’s obviously not fit to be a parent if he’s comparing it to a horror movie. When I have children I am going to cherish every single second. EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

Yep, pre kid me was an idiot.

Now, in my post children totes woke state, I realise that becoming a parent is exactly the same as a horror movie. Allow me to demonstrate…

The beginning – a questionable decision is made.

Horror movies: We can just dump the body of this random pedestrian we hit in the water no one will ever know…

Parenting: Let’s start trying for a baby!

Early warning signs this may have been a bad call…

Horror movies: Your child develops a creepy imaginary friend named Jodie and the magnetic letters on the fridge start spelling Katch ‘em & kill ‘em.

Parenting: You spend all day everyday throwing up. You get constipated. You are constantly exhausted. You no longer have ankles. You have to pee every 15 minutes. You get out of the shower and see the outline of a human foot coming from the inside of your body. You are woken at 3am every morning by your child trying to break all of your ribs.

Loud alarm bells, you realise you are in serious trouble…

Horror movies: The baby powder you sprinkled on the floor shows non-human footprints leading up into your attic.

Parenting: I guess for most mums this moment would come as you go into labour. For me, the realisation we may have made a huge mistake came when what felt like the 50^th doctor was called to examine my vagina and again confirm that yes despite having every labour inducing medication known to man my cervix was refusing to open for business.

The tipping point…..

Horror movies: Blood, screaming, crying, yelling, attempts to run away. Here’s Johnny.

Parenting: Blood, screaming, crying, yelling, attempts to run away. Here’s your baby.

The denouement….

I’ll be honest, a lot of horror movies end with everyone dying, but not all of them do. Some just kill off all the annoying obnoxious characters and the good ones survive and come through it all stronger than before. This is how it is with becoming a parent. The process of having my boys has killed off/significantly dulled the parts of my personality that I really didn’t like so much. The judgemental, ungrateful, indifferent, selfish parts have been replaced with tolerance, thankfulness, empathy, and compassion.

Before I had Conrad I used to binge watch One Born Every Minute in an attempt to mentally prepare myself for child birth (waste of time, would not recommend). I remember one episode featured a Mormon couple who shared their belief that everyone should have as many children as possible because there are all these little souls floating around in the cosmos somewhere just waiting for a body to inhabit, and God sends the right little soul to the family that needs them. Our littlest boy Eric turned one last month. Those of you who are long time followers will know that our first few months with him were horrendous, if I’m honest, I found him very difficult to love. I would sometimes think of that couple, and I would think to myself why did God send us this one, why couldn’t we have another dream baby like Conrad.

Now, months later, I realise Eric is perfect. Yes he is stubborn and over dramatic and tears through our house like a hurricane, but he brings out the best in his captain cautious big brother, and he brings out the best in me.

Darling Eric, you are a typical second child in that there was no blog dedicated to your birth story or the meaning of your name, but I hope you know how thankful I am that God considered me worthy to be your mum. You continue to teach me so much, and I love you more than words could ever say.

And remember dear readers, sometimes scary stories are just love stories without the filter on.