New-born realities - Sleep deprivation

Sleep deprivation is a given when you decide to have a child. It’s common knowledge, mentioned in every pregnancy book and antenatal class. And yet nothing can prepare you for the absolute horror that is the sleep depravity caused by a new-born. It came as a complete shock.

Looking back, it’s comical how naïve I was. I’m a nurse for goodness sake. I stay awake all night on a regular basis and still manage to function just fine. How hard could it be?

Answer – it’s like trying to climb Everest with zero preparation.

You see the thing about nursing is yes, you’re awake all night, but it’s for a finite amount of time. There is a light at the end of the eight hour tunnel. Not so with a new-born. They can keep you awake till 330am, and still wake up at 530 bright eyed and bushy tailed expecting you to resume catering to their every need.

Yep. New-borns are the worst.

On one such night I found myself thinking of an episode of Homeland I watched a hundred lifetimes ago when I could actually sit and watch an entire episode of something on television. In this particular episode they were trying to get information out of a suspected terrorist. To do this, they would wait till he was just about to drift off to sleep, and then blast heavy metal full volume to wake him back up again.  They were using sleep deprivation as a form of torture.

At 3am, as I attempted to placate my two week old who was crying for absolutely no reason, the realisation hit me. This is a form of torture. The books don’t word it that way, but that’s exactly what it is.

I was outraged, why does nobody tell you that! Shouldn’t they place more emphasis on this!? Are there no honest human beings left on this planet!?

But really, what difference would it have made? It was too late to turn back even if we wanted to. And would I have believed them even if they had told us? Probably not.

I have since done some research on sleep deprivation. Some of the delightful consequences include irritability, memory loss, immune suppression, and impaired moral judgement.

Impaired moral judgement, just what you need when looking after a new-born.

Before I had a baby I could not fathom how anyone could shake one. Let’s just say I can now.

They have done experiments on sleep deprivation using rats and puppies. The animals can eat and drink and are provided with everything else they need to live, and yet in all studies, usually after about 10 days with no sleep, the animals die. There is no obvious reason for this, they all just drop dead.

Obviously you can’t replicate this experiment with humans for ethical reasons. However, in 2013 a Chinese man made headlines when at just 24 years of age he dropped dead of a heart attack deemed to be caused by exhaustion.

Now I was really worried. Conrad is trying to kill me.

Here is the secret to the fact that I still have a pulse, sleep when the baby sleeps. People say that ALL THE TIME but it is some of the best advice I have had. Yes, it is so tempting to do the dishes or the vacuuming or try and have a social life, but believe me, it’s not worth it. I have come to realise that for the first few weeks literally your only job is to keep both yourself and the child alive. Do this, and you can call it a win.

After all, dirty dishes never killed anybody.