The wonderful world of 'what if.'

I am a worst case scenario person. It’s in my nature, and my nursing degree really topped it off. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “chest pain is ALWAYS a heart attack until proven otherwise”, I would have several hundred dollars.

As such, my mind often wanders off in to the world of ‘what if.’

I recently had to take my child to the emergency department for the second time in a month. Let me tell you, nothing is more conducive to entering the world of ‘what if’ than sitting alone in ED at two in the morning watching your child fitfully sleeping.

Here’s the highlight reel…

Conrad gets so sick all the time, what if they find something seriously wrong with him?

What if these seemingly endless hospital visits are just my life now?

What if having another baby was the worst idea in the world? How am I possibly going to do this?

What if the new baby has a heart defect? Or some other awful thing wrong?

What if I can’t go back to work?

What if we have to sell our house?

What if the pressure is too much for our marriage and The Accountant leaves me?

And so it goes, on and on and on and on.  

Eventually, at around 5am, we are admitted to the children’s ward. Conrad is wide awake and ready for the day now, and as our roommates start to stir and open their curtains, I smile as my son waves enthusiastically and offers them a wheezy “ay-ya!”(Conrad’s version of hello).

As I try to prevent my child from falling off our hospital bed in an attempt to meet all his new found friends, I have time to wonder one more ‘what if.’

What if, even if all those things happen, it’s all worth it anyway?

Because really, what would my life look like if I wasn’t a mum? I can’t even picture it now. Going to work, coming home and spending my evenings tagging my friends in memes on Facebook, sleep, and repeat.

Helen Keller once said “life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” Becoming a parent is certainly a daring adventure, a huge gamble when you think about it. There are so many things that can go wrong.

Parenting Conrad has certainly been adventure, in his short little life he has already faced several challenges, as have I. It has not always been the joyous experience I thought it would be, but the thing about experience, as C.S Lewis so wisely said, is that it may be a brutal teacher, but you learn, my God do you learn.

Becoming a parent has taught me so much about myself, my marriage, and life. I wouldn’t change a thing, not one single hospital visit.

I’m sure I am not the only parent who has entered the world of ‘what if’, but I think there are two things we need to remember when tempted to make a visit.

Number one; this is our daring adventure. Parenting is our daring adventure, and it’s not always going to be easy, it may even be heart breaking at times, but it will all be worth it in the end. My faith certainly helps with this, as I believe that God is able to use all things, even the most horrible things, for good.

And the second is this, chest pain is always a heart attack until proven otherwise, but nine times out of ten it’s just heart burn. Your ‘what if’s’ will very likely never eventuate, and if they do, just refer back to number one.